


A Bouquet Of White Lilies

by Saphirsilber



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:54:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24821953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saphirsilber/pseuds/Saphirsilber
Summary: Jaemin can see the cornflowers flying past him as he runs through the fields with Jeno, trying to make it home before the rain hits. He already knows that they’re not going to make it in time but with Jeno, he doesn’t mind.„Hurry up“, Jeno reaches out for Jaemin, who’s slower than Jeno, always losing when they race, never winning when they fight but with Jeno, it never really feels like losing.On the horizon, dark clouds are piling to higher and higher towers. They have a storm coming, a full blown summer thunderstorm but Jaemin doesn’t care for the rain.He takes Jeno’s hand and runs.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	A Bouquet Of White Lilies

The sunflowers are in full bloom in the flowerbed some of the students planted last summer with bees humming when Jaemin first lays his eyes on Jeno. He‘s sitting on the warm grass, in the shadow of one of the large oak trees, leaning onto the stem with a thick book splayed over his lap. Jaemin remembers that Donghyuck complained about one of his professors when suddenly a soccer ball gently knocks on his knee, the old leather already peeling off in some places. It has to be frequently used, maybe one of those favorite possessions one has, those that aren’t the most fancy, expensive gifts you got from one of your aunts on your birthday. Those, that may seem so utterly unimportant to anyone else but you and yet it’s one of the things you love so dearly without even realizing just how much joy it gives you. This ball has to be one of those things for the boy that’s jogging over to Jaemin and Donghyuck.   
„Sorry, my bad“, the boy says and sends them an adorable eye smile, one of those smiles that could light up an entire room, one that could make the dark clouds of a late summer storm vanish. Or maybe it couldn’t, maybe all it could do is make you embrace the rain and appreciate all the spark the tiny water droplets leave behind when they hit the world. It’s a smile that Jaemin wants to remember forever, a smile he wants to recall when the dark night drains the last rays of sunshine from the day.   
„Don’t worry about it“, Jaemin answers and picks the ball up to toss it back at the pretty boy. It’s such a beautiful day, Jaemin thinks. Such a beautiful day with all those flowers blooming around him and with this beautiful boy in front of him, smiling at him like he is the prettiest flower amongst all of them.   
„Thanks“, the boy elegantly catches the ball, his swift motions reminding Jaemin of a fallen leaf that’s dancing in the wind. There is a brief pause, one in which the boy hesitates. If he would have turned around then, leaving Jaemin and Donghyuck sitting by the tree, maybe Jaemin would have heard the end of the story of how Donghyuck failed his class. Maybe, they both would have never fallen in love, maybe Jaemin would have never even gotten to know his name. But he doesn’t leave, the boy hesitates and then he sends Jaemin another smile. „Do you want to join?“, he asks.   
Neither Jaemin, nor Donghyuck play soccer, at least not on a regular basis but Jaemin can’t bring himself to say no. Not on a beautiful day like this, not with the daisies blooming so beautifully in the grass, not to a boy with a smile as beautiful as this.   
So Jaemin shrugs and closes his book just to smile back at the boy. „Sure“, he says and Donghyuck snorts next to him. Maybe he’s mad because Jaemin prefers to play soccer with a pretty boy instead of hearing his dramatic story, maybe it’s because he can already tell how smitten Jaemin is. It doesn’t matter, not for Jaemin at least.   
The beautiful boy offers his hand to Jaemin and he takes it, the warmth of his palm sending tingles through his body. „I’m Jeno“, the boy says and Jaemin‘s heartbeat picks up without him even playing for a second.   
Jeno, he repeats in his head. Jeno, Jeno, Jeno, over and over like a mantra, like he’s clinging onto every bit of this boy.   
„I’m Jaemin“, Jaemin says and lets go of Jeno’s hand.   
***  
There’s a cute small flower pot of violets on the table of the cafe that Jaemin takes Jeno on their first date. It’s raining, but neither of them minds, the water running down on the window only lights up Jeno’s eyes even more and it’s doing things to Jaemin‘s stomach that he would be embarrassed to admit.   
Jaemin learns that Jeno drinks his tea without sugar, that he prefers green tea over black tea and how his laugh sounds like when it’s just the two of them.   
He makes Jeno blush when he gives his cookie that comes with his coffee to him because Jaemin can’t really stand sweet things while Jeno seems to love them and the soft pink that spreads over Jeno’s cheeks reminds Jaemin of a sunset on the beach, one that you see after an entire day of swimming and surfing and snorkeling, one that is accompanied by the first hesitant flames of a bonfire and quiet guitar music.   
In the months that will follow, Jaemin will learn that no matter how often he makes Jeno blush, the shade of the pink is never the same, just how no sunset will ever bear the same shades of red twice.   
Jeno’s hand feels soft against his skin when he shyly takes it into his own, their palms fitting together like a puzzle and Jaemin thinks that his hand will never look complete anymore without Jeno’s fingers intertwined with his.   
***  
Above Jeno and Jaemin are roses blooming, one of the petals falls into Jeno’s dark hair. It’s such a beautiful contrast, the pale pink against his black hair that Jaemin hesitates to brush it off.   
In this moment, Jaemin can‘t think about anything else but Jeno and how pretty his lips curve when he’s talking, Jeno and how beautifully the soft light of the morning catches in his eyes, Jeno and how much Jaemin wants to kiss him, savor the sweet touch of his lips.  
So he does, cutting Jeno’s words about a stray cat he saw off before they can even leave his mouth and the butterflies in his stomach erupt and warmth and happiness spread through his body like a bushfire that’s burning inside of him.   
„Sorry“, Jaemin smiles but he’s not sorry at all. „I just couldn’t help myself“.   
And Jaemin thinks that every day that he doesn’t kiss Jeno is a lost day and that the colors around them are suddenly so much more intense and that even the roses above them smell lovelier and yet nothing could be lovelier than Jeno smiling back at him right in this moment.   
Jeno’s lips land on Jaemin’s again and for the first time, everything is good.   
***  
Jaemin draws flowers on the glass of their window. Snow is falling outside, burying the city underneath white blankets that swallow the hectic sounds of the traffic and shimmer in the sun of the afternoon like thousands of diamonds. The fluffy blanket is almost falling from his shoulders but Jaemin is too busy drawing sunflowers and violets and roses to care.   
„Won’t you come back to bed?“, Jeno asks and carefully drapes the blanket back over him, his warm embrace making Jaemin melt into his touch. Jeno is warm, always so warm like a saving fire in a dark winter night.   
„It’s snowing“, Jaemin says, pointing out the obvious. It’s not the first time that Jaemin sees snow, of course it isn’t. But it’s Jaemin‘s and Jeno’s first winter together and today it’s their first snow.   
„It is“, Jeno gently places his chin on Jaemin‘s shoulder, his breath feels so hot against his cheek.   
***  
Mud stains both of their shoes and Jeno’s left leg because Jaemin can’t stop jumping into every single puddle he sees but Jeno refuses to let go of his hand. Earlier it had been raining but now the sun is out, marking the very first warm day of the year.   
„Spring is almost here“, Jeno says, pointing with the tip of the umbrella to a bunch of snowdrops.   
Jaemin nods and then lifts his head to look up into the sky. There is a cloud, staining the spotless blue and its shape reminds him of the cinnamon buns he ate with Jeno earlier.   
Around him, the world finally awakens again, but now everything is so much more beautiful than before because Jeno is here. The sun shines but Jaemin thinks that Jeno shines brighter, the snowdrops are pretty but Jaemin thinks that Jeno is prettier.   
Alive, he feels so alive with Jeno’s hand in his, with the fresh air filling his lungs and the blooming flowers around them.   
Jaemin takes a deep breath and jumps into the puddle in front of them.   
***  
Jaemin is sitting in between Jeno’s legs, who’s sitting next to Donghyuck on the bench in the park. They’re talking animatedly about some game they’re both playing and that Jaemin doesn’t have a clue what it’s about. The only thing he does know is how Jeno furrows his eyebrows in concentration whenever he’s playing, his teeth digging into his beautiful lips because he’s so focused on the game.   
Jeno’s hands are playing with his hair, messing up the carefully styled strands but Jaemin couldn’t care less about his ruined hairdo.   
There’s a daisy growing right next to him and Jaemin picks it, silently admiring the flower. He plucks the petals, one by one like a little girl thinking about her crush.   
_He loves me, he loves me not._  
Except that Jeno loves him, Jaemin knows.   
_He loves me, I love him more._  
„Hey Nana“, Jeno bends forward to press a kiss on Jaemin‘s forehead. „Wanna get ice cream with Hyuck?“  
Jaemin hums in agreement and plucks another petal.   
_He loves me, I love him forever._   
„Hey idiot!“, Donghyuck shoves him, sending Jaemin effectively to the ground. „Snap out of it, I want ice cream!“  
Jaemin makes a protesting sound, the flower in his hand gone but it doesn’t matter because Jeno is already pulling him up on his feet to kiss him again, this time on his lip.   
Nothing tastes sweeter than Jeno’s kisses.   
***  
A dried bluebell falls from the book into Jaemin‘s lap. Someone must have picked it last summer and put it between the thin pages just to forget about it and return the book to the library. Now it’s in Jaemin‘s lap, reminding him of warmer days with bright sunlight painting Jeno’s skin golden and sending this special spark to his eyes.   
He lets his eyes wander from the pages over the edge of the book, his gaze finding Jeno who’s sitting across the table, bent over another book with his hair falling into his face. Jaemin thinks it’s adorable how Jeno is silently moving his lips while he’s reading, repeating certain words and sentences to himself.  
Sometimes, when they’re laying in their bed with nothing but the bedside lamp illuminating their dark room, Jaemin is able to catch some of Jeno’s words, his whispered voice telling him a scrappy story of their own.   
„What‘s wrong?“, Jeno asks when he catches Jaemin staring, a gentle smile on his lips because he already knows that it’s because of him, because Jaemin can’t ever take his eyes off Jeno for too long.   
Nowadays, it’s always Jeno. He want to shout it out, show the world his beautiful boyfriend and at the same time he wants to keep Jeno all to himself, preserve their love like the dried bluebell in his lap.   
„Nothing“, Jaemin closes his book. „Let’s get coffee afterwards“.   
With Jeno, it’s always summer.   
***  
Jaemin bought a small little flower pot of lavender, one with a cute pattern drawn on the ceramic. Of course he knows that the chances of it surviving longer than three weeks almost equal to zero but Jeno loves the scent of lavender and if they both fail to take care of it, they can still dry the branches and stuff them underneath their pillows or put some into their closet to make their clothes smell like Jeno even more.   
If Jeno manages to put together their closet that is, because before Jaemin left, Jeno had still been fighting with the instructions.   
„I’m home“, he calls out and tosses his keys on the kitchen table that’s basically buried underneath boxes full of cutlery and dishes and kitchen essentials.   
Home, Jaemin thinks. He’s going to share a home with Jeno from now on.   
„Did you bring food?“, Jeno’s head appears from behind another pile of boxes, his hair messy and glasses lopsided sitting on his nose. There is no man as perfect as him, right in this moment, wearing Jaemin‘s old hoodie that’s a bit too small for his broad shoulders and in sweatpants with stains from when they had been painting their walls.   
And Jaemin realizes, that he’s a lucky man and that no, he doesn’t share a home with Jeno, because this apartment could never be home without Jeno.   
„Of course I did“, Jaemin lifts the plastic bag with take out as a proof and stalks over to Jeno, caressing his soft hair and placing a kiss on his lips before putting down the lavender plant next to him on the ground. „I also got us a housewarming gift“, he says and Jeno beams at him.   
That night, they eat take out on the floor, between them a pot of lavender and surrounded by moving boxes and only halfway built furniture and yet, Jaemin never felt happier.   
***  
Jaemin can see the cornflowers flying past him as he runs through the fields with Jeno, trying to make it home before the rain hits. He already knows that they’re not going to make it in time but with Jeno, he doesn’t mind.   
„Hurry up“, Jeno reaches out for Jaemin, who’s slower than Jeno, always losing when they race, never winning when they fight but with Jeno, it never really feels like losing.   
On the horizon, dark clouds are piling to higher and higher towers. They have a storm coming, a full blown summer thunderstorm but Jaemin doesn’t care for the rain.   
He takes Jeno’s hand and runs.   
***  
On valentines day, Jeno wakes him up with fresh croissants and a bouquet of red roses, which is a horrible cliché but Jaemin loves it.   
They have breakfast in bed and Jeno spills coffee all over their pillows and Jaemin just laughs because Jeno looks so adorable with his big, surprised eyes, because the coffee stains on the pillow will remind them of this valentine's day forever, because Jaemin can’t believe how lucky he is with the man of his dreams in the bed next to him.   
Jeno will complain about their bed smelling like coffee for the next three week and Jaemin will laugh at him, dwelling in the sweet memory of this morning.   
Every now and then, Jaemin will open the lowest drawer of their closet, where dried petals of red rose are slowly falling apart and he will smile to himself before closing the drawer again.   
***  
A clematis climbs up the walls of the house the Jeno grew up in.   
„What if they can’t stand me?“, Jaemin asks and flattens the nonexistent wrinkles in his shirt for the hundredth time. His palms feel sweaty and he can’t remember when the last time was that he felt this nervous.   
„Hush“, Jeno kisses the tip of his nose and takes both of his hands, giving them a light squeeze. „They‘ll love you“, he says and he sounds so sure that Jaemin almost believes him.   
„You really think so?“  
„What’s there not to love?“  
***  
„This hammock better be secured properly“, Jeno sends him a worried gaze before he carefully climbs into said hammock. Jaemin just spent half an hour setting it up between the two large apple trees and he’s positive that they are never going to be able to untie the knots again.   
„Don’t worry“, Jaemin says and walks over to Jeno to steal a kiss. „I would never let you fall“.   
It’s their very first vacation together and they borrowed Donghyuck‘s tent to go camping in the countryside.   
„Promise?“, Jeno asks and kisses Jaemin again.   
Later, when the sun has set, they’re going to lay in the soft grass next to all the carnations. Jeno is going to point into the sky and explain the constellations to Jaemin and Jaemin isn’t going to see any of the stars because he’s going to be staring at Jeno and how the starry night is reflected in his eyes.   
„Promise“, Jaemin answers and seals his words with another kiss.   
***  
On the windowsill next to the huge Mahogany desk that the doctor is sitting behind are a bunch of orchids, almost blooming but not yet, they still need a few weeks more, just some more nursing before they will finally spread their petals to display their various splendid colors and shapes.   
„I’m sorry“, is what the doctor says, with an expression that is full of pity. Words, Jaemin thinks. Words he told countless people before them, words he will tell countless people after them, those mesmerized lines that must have become routine at some point. Words that don’t really mean anything for this doctor anymore but words that crash Jaemin‘s world in the blink of an eye.   
He is clutching onto Jeno’s hand, he‘s shivering. On the uncomfortable designer chair next to him, Jeno is sitting calmly, only nodding at the doctor‘s diagnosis and squeezing Jaemin‘s hand reassuringly. Maybe Jeno knew that it would end like this when they stepped into the doctor's office not even an hour ago. Maybe that was the reason why he was lingering a bit longer than usual in the park where Jaemin and Jeno first met, kissing Jaemin just a bit gentler next to the old oak tree. Maybe Jeno saw this coming long ago, maybe that was the reason why Jaemin would find him sometimes staring at him with a gaze so intense that it sent shivers down his spine.   
Jaemin wants to scream and run, take Jeno’s hands and run from the rain, escaping this nightmare and never looking back. But all he can do is sit frozen next to Jeno, looking at him with shock numbing every inch of his body while Jeno simply lifts their hands and places a soft kiss on the back of his palm before turning back to the doctor, asking „How long?“.   
***  
The tulips on the desk next to Jeno’s hospital bed are withering and Jaemin takes them to toss them into the trashcan in the corner. There is already enough death surrounding them, spreading into every part of their life right now.   
„You brought me no chocolates this time“, Jeno says and weakly smiles at Jaemin. The spark is still there even though his eyes look dull and drained. At first, Jaemin told himself that it’s because of the light. The cheap neon light that illuminates the creepy hallways of the hospital, giving you the feeling that sickness and depression clenches onto you, drenching every inch of your clothes. But now Jaemin has to admit that it’s not the light, he can’t deny anymore that Jeno looks sick.   
He looks so small, so fragile with dark circles underneath his eyes, with the sharp outlines of his bones that are almost poking through the thin fabric of the hospital gown, with the pale shade of his skin that almost seems grey now and the countless cables and tubes connected to Jeno, making him look like a cyborg.   
„I thought you would like some flowers better“, Jaemin says and changes the water in the small sink next to the door. They both know that it’s not because Jeno prefers flowers but because he can’t even eat the chocolates Jaemin brings him anymore. Jeno claims they shared the last three packages but Jaemin ate them all by himself.   
He places the flowers next to Jeno on the side table, as close to his bed as possible so Jeno will be able to see them whenever he wakes up and whenever he falls asleep before Jaemin takes a seat on the edge of the bed, taking Jeno’s hand carefully into his.   
His skin isn’t warm anymore, now it’s Jaemin who tries to warm his fingers with his own body heat.   
„You brought sunflowers“, Jeno sighs dreamily.   
***  
White lilies are spreading their scent all over the graveyard. In a few days, the white petals will fall to the ground, Jaemin will watch them wither before he’s going to exchange them for new ones. The suit he’s wearing feels so out of place, even though the black blends in perfectly with the rest of the funeral. This is the closest he’s ever going to get to a wedding, he thinks, as he’s making his way down the aisle, walking next to Jeno’s coffin in a black suit with a black tie. The bouquet Jeno would have chosen would have looked nothing like this. There would have been sunflowers and daisies, violets, roses, snowdrops, cornflowers and then some more roses, clematis and so many more.   
Instead, Jeno carries white lilies. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, I’m sorry for the sad ending, I was actually trying to write something soft and fluffy but the date of my (ex?)boyfriends death is nearing so yeah. It’s going to be a year soon and I‘m struggling and this just kinda came into my mind.  
> Even though my memories of him are slowly fading a bit, there are still some things that I can remember so clearly. Like the soft scent of his favorite tea and the fact that his left dimple was always more prominent than his right or the taste of the red wine we would drink on his balcony.  
> I think it’s funny how I mostly remember those small things, it’s always the unimportant moments that stay with you the longest.  
> I remember that Lucas (that was his name by the way— I know, kinda hilarious in this context) loved white roses the most, I used to have one in my garden and whenever they bloomed, I would bring him some.  
> My mother told me last week, that they’re blooming again, so tomorrow, when I drive home, I‘m going to pick some and bring them with me to Lucas. I hope that maybe they’re going to make him smile, wherever he is right now.  
> Have a great day everyone and thanks for reading this ♥️  
> ~ Saphirsilber


End file.
